Mom Guilt? Get Outta Here!

There have been times when Mom Guilt has felt ubiquitous. There have also been times I thought I was above it, then realized, with a start, that I was inwardly calling myself a bad mother…yet I didn’t recognize it as “Mom Guilt,” but merely acknowledgment that I was, in fact, a horrible mother and person in general. Hey, facts are facts, right? (Or so I thought while lashing myself with a wet noodle.)

Wrong.

If you’re thinking of yourself as a “bad mother” while you are giving your heart and soul and money and time to help your children the best you can…you’re wrong. You are not a bad mother at all, and your Mom Guilt should get lost in the woods and then fall off a cliff. (I know, easier said than done.)

I was pondering this recently while feeling Mom Guilt over Lina’s regressions during repeated Covid quarantines. (For these new to this site, Lina is autistic and usually receives several types of therapy, but contact with Covid-positive individuals has led to a number of quarantine periods.) My logic went something like this:

• Oh no, Lina is having a meltdown. I need to try to help.
• Nothing I’m doing is helping.
• Why can’t I help?
• I must be a bad mom.
• Lina’s meltdowns are my fault. If I were a better mom, she wouldn’t have them.
• I’m pretty sure I also sunk the Titanic and karate-chopped the nose off the Sphinx. But mostly I’m a bad mom.

When I wisely chose to see a therapist and relayed these feelings, she shocked me by pointing out something simple: the situation was causing regressions and meltdowns. A two-year global pandemic, leading to disruptions to therapy, the home environment, routines, and socializing, was causing regressions and meltdowns. Lina wasn’t at fault. And neither was I.

When I tell you that opened my eyes, well, you may think I’m an idiot. OF COURSE the pandemic is causing problems for kids and parents alike. OF COURSE parenting in the time of Covid is ridiculous and hard. But I was so deep in my feelings, I forgot the obvious and jumped to the alternative conclusion that I was responsible for all problems in Lina’s life, up to and including a pandemic over which I have no control whatsoever.

To clarify, we all have been working hard to help Lina live in a safe, secure environment, to minimize her triggers, to help her communicate her wants and needs, and to find ways to help her relax when her emotions run high. We’ve been doing our best in a crappy situation. And that, I think, is the key. We are trying.

And if you are also trying your best, you are also a good mom.

I was considering some comparisons to Mom Guilt that might help me remember to take it less seriously, if I take it for anything at all. And since I’m a nerd, I put it in chart form. This was my first attempt, in which I compared Mom Guilt to other icky, useless things:

But then I figured a more light-hearted approach might be better, because honestly I can’t stand to think about cockroaches for more than a few seconds.

So I went with this Mom Guilt venn diagram:

Diagrams aside, I’m going to try to remember that doing my best in a flaming dumpster is a standard unto itself, and as long as the kids are not on fire, I’m not a bad mom at all.

I hope you all do the same.

P.S. Follow along on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook for more humor and commiseration.